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Bulletins Bulletin : Published and Discussed
Date: Saturday, December 13, 2003
From: VanityPress

As the Christmas is just around the corner, people across the country and around the world will once again entertain themselves by the Nutcracker Ballet without giving little or no credit to the true nut aficionado – the squirrel. Yes, the squirrel, that little creature whose love affair with nuts always gets overlooked and unappreciated by the ballet going crowd. So I thought it is about time, I let the whole world know the love affair between Danny the squirrel and nuts as it appeared on the Onion magazine. Enjoy !

Danny the squirrel:

I'm a squirrel on the go. I've got trees to climb and streets to cross. If anybody asks what keeps me going when squirrel duties pile up, I got one word for them: nuts! I know it's a stereotype that squirrels go crazy for nuts, but in my case, it's 100 percent true. I make no apologies or excuses. Why should I? I fully admit that I love the nuts!

Somebody once said the only thing I cared about was nuts. Hey, guilty as charged. And what's wrong with that? Nuts never hurt anybody—at least nobody in squirrel circles. Nuts are delicious! Just stuff a nut into your cheeks, chomp down, and unlock the nutty flavor. Before you know it, you'll be like me—singing the praises of the savory goodness of nutty nuts.

I'm not a strong-willed squirrel. If you take a can of nuts and dump them in your backyard, you'd better believe I'm gonna eat those nuts. I won't be polite about it, either. I won't share them with the chipmunks or the birds. No, I will behave like a fool to secure those nuts. I'll shove as many nuts in my mouth as I can fit, and chew as fast as possible to make room for more nuts. If I have some leftover nuts, I'll bury them for later. And let me tell you: If I can't find my nuts, there's going to be some frantic chirping and running around, believe me. I don't care if passersby stop, point, and laugh at my actions. They can call me me all sorts of nut-loving names. I won't stop until I find those nuts.

You might say, "Danny, what's the deal with the nuts? Don't you ever want to break out of the mold? Do something a little less expected? Blaze a trail? Why do you just live by the old squirrel standards?"

Well, I've got an answer. It's simple. Ready? Here it is: I love nuts. Acorns in particular.

But I love chestnuts, walnuts, and peanuts, too. I'm a nut nut! That's an old joke my dad told me when I was a little kid, and it's funny because it's true. It may be a cliché, but I go crazy for nuts. There's nothing I wouldn't do for nuts. I've been chased by dogs, cats, raccoons, and children while in pursuit of a luscious nut. You'd think I had some sort of death wish, but that's just not the case. I don't know if there are nuts in heaven, so I'm not looking to die. Believe me, I don't do this for the thrills. I do it for the nuts.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, eating nuts isn't all I do. I like to chase other squirrels up and down the trees. I scramble madly up walls using my prehensile claws. Sometimes, I puff up my tail and charge at shadows. And, believe me, I do my share of dashing madly across telephone wires. But when I need to recharge, there's only one thing that can satisfy my hunger. Nuts! And a lot of 'em! Oh, boy!

Do you want to make good with me? Then you'd better bust out the nuts. That's the way to this squirrel's heart. Don't worry. You won't offend me if you assume that I eat nuts, because it's true. I do. So do all of my squirrel friends.

Admittedly, I eat more than just nuts. There aren't always nuts around, so I make do. Once, I found a half-eaten candy bar in the park. I was hungry, so I ate it. It was all right. But do you know what would have made it better? Nuts. If you had put some almonds or peanuts in that candy bar, it would've really been something. But you know what would've been even better? If you took all the candy out, and just left the nuts.

Life is short if you're a squirrel. What do I have? Two, three years? I have to live life to the fullest. I don't want people saying that I didn't take advantage of every opportunity that I had while I skittered around this green earth. If, when I'm gone, you hear someone say, "That Danny, he was a good guy, but he didn't eat many nuts," I insist you set them straight. You tell them that I loved nuts more than anything.

Man, all this talk of nuts is killing me.

People Discussion
(Monday, December 15, 2003)

awwww...cute Danny the nut lover.. ..u have got to love the nutty Danny..!!! As for the ballet “the Nutcracker”,I love it, it is one of my fav ballet, I am a big fan of Tchaikovsky . My fav music/dance from the Nutcracker is the “waltz of the flowers”. I have this sudden urge to have some nuts and listen to my Nutcracker CD. I love nuts also.. but not as much as the cutie nutty Danny

(Monday, December 15, 2003)

Hmm... gotta love Danny the squirrel. I've seen that ballet many years ago. Hardly remember any of the songs. Hope I made you listen to some good songs. And don't forget to have some almonds, they are the best.

(Wednesday, December 17, 2003)

Hey V, yes I did listen to some wonderful music, started with the Nutcracker and finished with Swan Lake, while stuffing my face with pistachio. So big guy do u have any big plans for X-mas? Planning to go somewhere exotic?

(Wednesday, December 17, 2003)

No, no big plans for the X-mas. Not going anywhere, though, I'd love to. I'll stay in town and catch up with all the X-mas movies. How about Ima, are you going anywhere?

(Wednesday, December 17, 2003)

I am not going anywhere over x-mas, but I will be coming over to ur end of the world (NY) in March for a week. I am assuming u are in NY, not sure why but just a hunch. In April I am off to New Zealand for two weeks, I am very excited about it. Have u been to NZ? I hope to explore “middle earth” (I am a big fan of Lord of the Rings”), which I believe is in Queenstown. We (I will be going with my big bro) are also going to spend a day in LA on our way back to London from NZ. U are working right? U guys don’t get much holiday, only 2 weeks right? As for us we get around 4/5 weeks per year.I will be getting 5 weeks, whisper..yes i have just started my first job so wish me luck.

(Wednesday, December 17, 2003)

I myself a big fan of the "Lord of the Rings". "...the history becomes the legend, and the legend becomes the myth..." ... If I remember correctly, that's how the move opens in the first episode. So, when you get to the middle earth, hope you unearth all those myths and share with us. No, I haven't been to NZ, but I hear it's really beautiful over there. One of these days I'll visit. It's almost a year, I've been meaning to visit France, but, it's just not materializing... too bad. No, you guessed it wrong. I'm in "Big D" meaning Dallas, TX. Yes, I'm working. Congratulations with your new job. And I certainly wish you luck...many many about millions of lucks. And wish you all the success.

(Thursday, December 18, 2003)

Thanks V, I need all the luck I can get, I feel like lil miss insignificant in “big brothers world”. . Aha, the big D, I have never been to Dallas. Last year visited Houston and Galveston Island, loved the big Galleria mall. Oh yes, I will be taking lots of pics while I am NZ, visiting the beautiful landscape which we have seen in Lord of the Rings. I shall gladly share my experience with u ppl and capture the moments in my camera. So make sure to keep ur e-mail box free, once I get back I shall be bombarding everyone with “middle earth” pics.

(Thursday, December 18, 2003)

I was told that the hot air balloon tour of middle earth is wonderful. Hey don’t work too hard, u should visit France, when u do make sure to hire a car and drive down to south of France, it is beautiful. My fav European country is Spain, particularly south of Spain. Spain should be in ur list of places to visit, in Granada (known as the capital of the Moorish Kingdom in south of Spain) u have the Alhambra castle and in Cordova u have the big mosque, the architectural as well as the interior beauty of these places are just amazing. Sorry I am getting a bit carried away…I shall stop…

(Thursday, December 18, 2003)

Yeah, you definitely need to share those Kodak moments of the middle earth. Spain is also in my list. I heard Bercelona is really nice. Let's see how it all work out.

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