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Bulletins Bulletin : Published and Discussed
Date: Friday, July 05, 2002
From: p deshi
Subject:
Bangaladeshi Women suffering, By Circumstances or by Choices
Description:


Something happened last night in my relatives building, he finally did it, he almost killed his wife,he broke her head open and send her to the hospital.Finally the police came and took him away.This has been going on for more than a year, his whole family was torturing her in a regular basis. Most of her neighbors knew about it and some of them told her to go to the police but she didn't because she didn't want to upset her parents.I heard this same excuse for so long that I don't want to buy this anymore. I saw my respected khalu beating up my aunt when I was a kid,I saw some other family member getting the similar treatment from their husbands.It wasn't always beating or some other form of physical abuse but abuse anyway.I have this one relative who's husband stayed in a different house for twenty five years, he went to other women for fun.So my relative gave her life to brought up her kids, she worked and cooked and send her kids to the private school, so they can grow up to be somebody better than their father.She didn't get any affection from her husband and now her kids are Doctor/Engineers but has no time for her.This is what happens when someone spends their life with the wrong person for the wrong reason.
I know Bangali girls are very close to their family and they don't want to make them look bad, but how about you, how about your life.Sacrifice is great but at what cost.Please don't do this anymore, if you are in a western country then there are help available just a phone call away.I knew this girl in Texas,Sh..... she used to tell me that after beating her up her husband tells her that those places he hit will go to haven.I told her to do something about it but she has the same problem like every other girl from Bangladesh, she didn't want to upset her parents.I know all of you want to look good to the world, but is that a good enough reason to take abuse from anyone of anykind and live your life in misery?
When we see news about girls being burned, hanged or killed by their husbands in the villages of our country we feel bad for them and we know these girls had no place to go.But what bothers me is this, I see women like my relative with higher education and the ability to make it on their own taking all the abuse for various reasons. I wonder, why are they making this choice. Long time ago I heard that peole in our country didn't like to get divorce because that might stop their daughters being married.Now we are in the twentyfirst century and still I see girls are making the same mistakes like my relative.She loved me all my life and when I hear her crying and talking about her life I feel really bad and I wanted to tell her story to all the girls out their and if this can help one person, just one then I spend my time wisely.
I know this is not pretty or funny or poetic but this is part of our everyday life.So, please girls don't marry the first bum you meet, finish school,be independent and then look for someone to be with.And if you find someone who has respect for you, who loves you and treats you like an equal,may be then you can think about marriage.Life is pretty long now, people are living longer, so whats the rush to be married.There is more to life then just getting married, so think hard,before you do.And if someone hits you once,thats once too many.No matter what they say they will do it again.Once a beater always is a beater.Make that phone call and put him away.
Life is what we make out of it.If we make the right choice in life then there is no reason why we can't find some happiness in life.So, make your choices carefully.


People Discussion
M_megna
(Saturday, July 06, 2002)

WOWWWW. very well written ...... i really like it ..... especially the last lines .......
but one question plzz. tel y do girls . or women r suffereing in our contry ...... dont u think b/c of the guys who r roling our contry thinking abt their self a big think ...they dont want to gave us freedom ?..... .....maybe u know better then me . b.c of the scocity we r leaving in ...we r not getting the freedom .tht we should get ...
who knows maybe at the next century we r going to get freedom like tht .....

p deshi
(Saturday, July 06, 2002)

All comments are welcome,I could be reach at pdeshi@aol.com.

**~KonkaBoti~**
(Saturday, July 06, 2002)

very well written pordeshi. thanks.

p deshi
(Saturday, July 06, 2002)

Megna, no one gives anyone anything, you have to take what is yours.And until our women start to fight for their rights they will be treated like a second class citizen.The main problem with our culture is that womens suffering has been glorified in literature and in the whole society is telling women that its their job to sacrifice their life for their kids/husbands or to make their parents happy. A guy could be a jackass and be liked and respected by the society, like my khalu eneryone thinks he is a "ferresta, but a girl has to be perfect.And you guys(womens) are been buying this for years and years.So, its not anyone but the women has to start to make the changes so they can live like a person, not someone elses property.And trulu free of all kind of obligations.

heemel
(Sunday, July 07, 2002)

I sincerely appreciate your writing p_deshi.

It's really disheartening to see whats going on in our society. We hate abusing ... be it on men, women or kids. And you know what? Soon we will have to talk agains another hateful thing ... more prominently. It's shopping hearts around.

Probably pushing it to the extremes is our by born nature.

p deshi
(Sunday, July 07, 2002)

I know heemel, what you mean.One man one women rule don't apply anymore.Some people want to have it both ways. They want to have a show husband/wife but also wants to be in love with others at the same time.Trust, commitment,honesty and dedication don't mean anything enymore.People don't have any character any more and as a result we see everything is falling apart,everything going downhill.Look at the whole country of Bangladesh and see whats going on in every place.Its very hard to be optimistic when things are getting worse by the day.

HAHA
(Sunday, July 07, 2002)

"We'd hoped vaguely to fall in love, but hadn't worried much about it, because we'd thought we had all the time in the world. Love had seemed so final, and so dull--love was what ruined our parents. Love had delivered them to a life of mortgage payments and household repairs; to unglamorous jobs and the fluorescent aisles of a supermarket at two in the afternoon. We'd hoped for a love of a different kind, love that knew and forgave our human frailty but did not miniaturize our grander ideas of ourselves. It sounded possible. If we didn't rush or grab, if we didn't panic, a love both challenging and nurturing might appear. If the person was imaginable, then the person could exist. And in the meantime, we'd had sex."
A Home at the End of the World" by Michael Cunningham
People still have character – it’s just that their definition of character does not match yours.


heemel
(Monday, July 08, 2002)

There lies the point p_deshi ... is the solution there? We don't have to try too hard. Looking at the western civilization is enough for a practical answer. I could'nt find the solution from them ... that's why I asked here. I thought the context matches.

You are right HAHA ... nice way to put that. But the truth is ... for some people ( most of us )the term 'Definition of my own' is nothing but a tool for deception. Most of the time our 'Definition's change favourably with our needs.

p deshi
(Monday, July 08, 2002)

Ha, sex and love is two different thing.At least to me. You're talking about different kind of love.The kind people in America falls in every night at the bar after having few drinks.I don't expect all people to agree with me, but the love I was talking about has lot to do with mind then body.Love in the east means two people fall in love with their souls.

HAHA
(Monday, July 08, 2002)

Love and sex are certainly different. However, love has the same meaning in the west as well as in the east. People in the west have realized that we have to modify our ideal notion of true love and soul mate as we go through life just to make sure that we don’t fall out of love. It’s a painful realization which is why they are exploring and experimenting with relationships. At the end, they also want love – the same thing that people in the east want. Sooner or later, people in the east will also have the same realization.

HAHA
(Monday, July 08, 2002)

My guess is the younger generations from the east will behave more and more like their western counterparts to cope with such frustrating realization as they will grow up in a less restrictive environment. I assume you live outside Bangladesh – try to take advantage of living in a different culture by trying to understand it instead of judging it from a distance. It will broaden your mind.

HAHA
(Monday, July 08, 2002)

There are opportunistic people who change the definition of everything to fit their interests at different points of time. You will see such people everywhere. However, their behavior should not be generalized to everyone.



Gemini
(Tuesday, July 09, 2002)

very very well said p deshi. But the girls dont seem to get it...all their life they care for others, not for themselves...This not right at all..why would u care for others if no one cares for you at all???
Bangli meyera onek shomoy onek bokami kore, na jene..ashole eta tader dosh na...thats how girls in our country are brought up...all their life they are told "you are less than a man".
I am a girl too..but refuse to follow the traditional stupid rules! I am bangali, i dnt mean to leave my culture or anything, but our culture is all about bringin girls down!..
Things are changin and i think its about time!..Girls need to speak up and be heard.
If no one can hear you...SCREAM!!!!

p deshi
(Tuesday, July 09, 2002)

Thanks Gemi,well we have to keep talking about it until they do.
The western way is not the only way of life,for all of us.More than 50% marriage in America ends up in divorce and that's says something about their way of life.People are loosing interest in the union altogether, a survey done by cnn/usa today yesterday showed only 29% girls and 39% men are thinking about marriage.Also people who are living together are far less committed in a marriage.All these shows only one thing clearly and that is our way of life is much better.Relationship is about discovering ones partner and getting to know each other little bit everyday.If everything is discovered than that relationship has little chance of lasting.And people who forget their culture are weak in their hearts and they will never be anything.Look at the hispanics they are here in America for hundreds of years but they never gave up their heritage.

HAHA
(Tuesday, July 09, 2002)

I did not say the western way was the only way of life. Behaving like their western counterparts when it comes to relationship has more to do with coping with life and love than forgetting culture. You seem to have a very narrow mind with lots of predispositions. Instead of reading what I am saying, you are just attributing meaning to my words the way your narrow mind views it. The type of survey you mentioned reflects peoples’ attitudes (not values) and it does not report the underlying causes behind the shift in attitudes.

HAHA
(Tuesday, July 09, 2002)

I was trying to explain why people might not choose to be monogamous for reasons apart from being immoral in my previous messages. You can decide not to mingle with foreigners while living in a foreign land and remain narrow-minded – that is your choice. However, please don’t make comments like “our way of life is much better!” You are not in a position to make such an evaluation just by watching CNN!



HAHA
(Tuesday, July 09, 2002)

I can anticipate what you will say next so let me try to obviate it! Many western people are ethnocentric in the sense that they think their way of doing things is the best. They fail to understand why people from other cultures behave differently. For example, widespread hypocrisy in Bangladesh can be explained by looking at the culture (collectivist versus individualistic orientation) of the country – while it is not good, there are valid reasons why people are hypocrite and unless you look into the underlying causes, you will never be able to comprehend this phenomenon properly.

HAHA
(Tuesday, July 09, 2002)

You are making the same mistake – you are very ethnocentric and you are judging the western culture from a distance. I am not saying western way of life is the best – all I am saying is that don’t be quick in making evaluative comments about other cultures without knowing them adequately.






p deshi
(Tuesday, July 09, 2002)

I don't know who you are or since when you're living in this country and I don't really care about any of that. Mixing with the local people has nothing to do with my lifestyle.I lived in a white neighborhood for a long time, I went to a college which were mostly white and I worked with them for a very long time.I have friends and family who are in a mix marriage, but that doesn't mean I have to be like them.I can be friends with them and still have my own way of life.You are not smart enough to get that, get it now.

HAHA
(Tuesday, July 09, 2002)

My my I hope I am not dealing with a minor here !
First, living closely with the white people won’t necessarily make you understand them unless you decide to broaden your mind in the first place (which is the point I was trying to make )!
Second, understanding and respecting someone who is different from you does not mean you have to become like him/her! Anyway saying anything to you is like casting pearls before the swine (need I mention the Bangladeshi equivalent adage? Perhaps I am being foreign here ) so I rest! Have a good day!

heemel
(Wednesday, July 10, 2002)

Well ... I never saida word about sex. And p_deshi how could you say I was talking about the bar life of Americans!

I was just saying the freedom of judging/ choosing life partners ... even in an educated society is not the solution to the problem mentioned here.

Your later message better corresponds to what I meant.

heemel
(Wednesday, July 10, 2002)

Thanks for your precious piece of advice HAHA. But my religion and values does not allow me to try to mix with them and understand them to that extent.

So far I have known them ... specially white people ... I have a deep respect for their intellectual ability, self esteem and personal discipline. And probably most of all ... their understanding of a good system and spontaneous participation in that system.

p deshi
(Wednesday, July 10, 2002)

Only, you're the expert about American's and their culture,and nothing will make others know them better according to you.You know its a waste of my time talking to some one like you.Only people with limited knowledge thinks like you.Its like you're the only person who understands them and no one else, what an ediotic notion.
Hemel, I am all for people choosing their partners on their own,I just don't like people who has no respect for their culture and heritage, that's all.Thanks.

heemel
(Wednesday, July 10, 2002)

I think the first part of your posting is not for me p_deshi ... my knowledge of amrican society does'nt make me feel like I can ever be an expert of them.

I love your thoughts ... care for our own culture and heritage. The fact is ... tostart with almost all of us have the similar feelings and almost all get lost ( I'm not discriminating your dreams or ability ). For the next generation ... everything becomes even worse ... they float nowhere.

Anyway ... my best wishes for your search for the perfect girl. And along the path ... I sincerely pray none of you get your hearts bruised too hard .

Trust me man ... that's too much to go through.

p deshi
(Thursday, July 11, 2002)

Hemeel, if one possess a heart it will be broken, its the law of the nature.Thanks for your kind words.

heemel
(Friday, July 12, 2002)

Welcome p_deshi.


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