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     My Solace and Me

 

I went to the front garden, feeling too heavy to  take myself  out, yet unable to stay indoors. The heat suffocated me as if I am burning alive. Nature could understand my thoughts of sadness. Like me the sky overhead was pulsed with light. I wondered if things were not going to be changed. I had chosen this life, so I must suffer for  this. It seemed that I was far away from my isolation and thoughts.  I wondered if it was the same person walking  heavily through this garden 17 years back.

 

Life plays with my soul and the story of my life has become the catastrophe of  a drama. Sometimes the life becomes meaningless for me . 'I wait', I said to myself, ' I wait and  what I wait for can never come.' I will not get back my peace and love I have lost in the vast desert of life . There is so many words in my heart, I don't know from where to speak out? 

 

I was  a free bird in the sky of life.  I flied with all the freedom and fascination. My sky had the colorful cloud of  imagination and  wild west wind of  fantasy. There was no  bindings. I could move according to my own thought . At that time I was in the age of 15. But one day Cupid, the god of love, shot his arrow upon  me. It  directly hit my soul . Suddenly I fell down to the earth. The thorns of love cut off my wings.  

 

It was a  young man who I fell  in love with at the very first sight in my early life. I saw my whole world on him. His brilliant and  shiny eyes copulated my soul at the very first glance. I could not  avoid  him. Whatever he told me was like a divine order  for me . For me he was like  a divine one for whom I can sacrifice my whole entity. After 6 months of relation we got married. At the age of 16, I had my son, my solace.

 

Having a baby at the  age of 16 is quite a difficult imposition. Miles away from  my own people, I felt very lonely. Before one year my mother used to tie my hair and now I  myself  had become a mother. I am very much lucky that I have a very nice father and mother in-law.  They treat me as their own daughter.  

There was always a distance from the very beginning between my husband and me. He was a man of high ambition and strong personality. On the other hand, I  was a restless and romantic girl. I wanted to have him beside me all the time. Sometimes I tried to open my heart seriously to him. I had  his attention but  without understanding . This killed my effort of a finer  intimacy.  Sometime I had flashes of fear of what I  have done, and what will be my future. 

All the time he remains busy with his business dealings and friends. I think he should have married money instead  of me. Because it  would have been better  for both of us, I didn't have to suffer and he would have  been free forever.

 

My married life is of 18 years. But I don't  have a single memory of an occasion when he arrived at the fixed moment . At first  I used to cry but now I have been minimized  with life. Some asked me what  I need more ? I had my own house, car ,everything all instruments of social status, and I also  have  a prince-like husband . Then what  are my insufficiency ? Yes I have the entire instrument for a lavish life. Those can fulfill the demand of the so-called status . But  what about the soul ? The souls remain empty without getting love and care from my life partner. My son tries his best to help me come out of this sort of emptiness. But is it possible ?

In 1982, June 14, my baby was born. The baby was small and flimsy at first, but he came on quickly. He was an angel with  dark black ringlets and  fleshy eyes which resembles his father most . Since the days when my baby was  just  a year old, beginning to walk and saying musical words, he was very fond of his father. My husband was very affectionate, indulgent and full of ingenuity to amuse the child. When they two played together, I used to wonder which was the truer baby. Those were rare memory to me while thinking today's time. 

My baby arrived in the moment when  my bitterness of  dissolution was hardest to bear. My faith upon life was shaken and my soul felt tedious and trite. I made much of the child. Sometimes  I turned to be a child and sometimes turned to be his father. 

Sometimes when I look at him, the burden of my heart melts into passionate grief . Sometimes  I cannot control myself . Sometimes tears flows out of my eyes. My baby lifts my fingers. He looks at me. His look is so deep and steady, as if he realizes every sadness and  anxieties of mine. His clear- knowing eyes give me pain and fear. Does he know all about  my pain ? When he lay under my heart had he been listening to every echo ?  

At the age of five I sent my boy to school. He was a quite and strong boy. He often asked me about his  farther. 'Everyone has their father, as their playmate. Who will be my playmate ?' What could I tell him? Who is to explain to him that his father is very busy for all the times and he doesn't  have any time for his son or me.    

     

My son is quite a  good student . He never irritates me for anything. He goes to school with his grandfather. My father in law is the best friend of my son. They 

fight and play cricket together. My  father tries his best to fulfill the absence of his father. But was it  enough to compensate lack of father's love and affection ?  

 

My son and me have the world where there is only love and  affection. From this  world, I have my inspiration of life. I have lost everything . My world is totally empty now. The only world I have is  my child . This only track is left for me.  I have to live only for his sake. 

 

My marriage was not a settle one. Both of us fell in love then got married. But I don't know what is the reason of our distance?  Whom should I blame? My fate or my husbands big ambition. I don't want much from the world. I just want a peaceful and easy life with my husband and child. The bond of life is dead now. Only the bindings of duty remains. I had sacrificed myself  for my motherhood everyday gladly. 

 

Sometime my soul mourns at its  high voice. It creates echoes and falls down from my eyes in the shape of tears . It could be an ocean . But my son acts as the block that stops every echo of mourns. As a mother I am not only proud but also thankful to God for giving me a son like him.

 


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