I
went to the front garden, feeling too heavy to take
myself out, yet unable to stay indoors. The heat suffocated
me as if I am burning alive. Nature could understand my thoughts of
sadness. Like me the sky overhead was pulsed with light. I wondered
if things were not going to be changed. I had chosen this life, so I
must suffer for this.
It
seemed that I was far away from my isolation and thoughts. I wondered
if it was the same person walking heavily through this garden
17 years back.
Life plays with my soul and the story of my life has become the catastrophe
of a drama. Sometimes the life becomes meaningless for me . 'I wait', I said to myself,
' I wait and
what I wait for can never come.' I will not get back my peace and
love I have lost in the vast desert of life . There is so many
words in my heart, I don't know from where to speak out?
I was a free bird in the sky of life. I
flied with all
the freedom and fascination. My sky had the colorful cloud
of imagination and wild west wind of fantasy.
There was no bindings. I could move according to my own
thought . At that time I was in the age of 15. But one day Cupid,
the god of love, shot his arrow upon me. It
directly hit my soul . Suddenly I fell down to the earth. The thorns
of love cut off my wings.
It
was
a young man who I fell in love with at the very first
sight in my early life. I saw my whole world on him. His brilliant and shiny
eyes copulated my soul at the very first glance. I could not avoid
him. Whatever he told me was like a divine order for me
. For me he was like a divine one for whom I can sacrifice
my
whole entity. After 6 months of relation we got married. At the
age of 16, I had my son, my solace.
Having a baby at the
age of 16 is quite a difficult imposition. Miles away from my own
people, I felt very lonely. Before one year my mother used to
tie my hair and now I myself had become a mother. I am
very much lucky that I have a very nice father and mother
in-law. They treat me as their own daughter.
There
was always a distance from the very beginning between my
husband and me. He was a man of high
ambition and strong personality. On the other hand, I
was a restless and romantic girl. I wanted to have him beside
me all the time. Sometimes I tried to open my heart
seriously to him. I had his attention
but without understanding . This killed my effort of a
finer intimacy. Sometime I had flashes of fear of
what I have done, and what will be my future.
All
the time he remains busy with his business dealings and friends. I
think he should have married money instead of me. Because
it would have been better for both of us, I didn't
have to suffer and he would have been free forever.
My
married life is of 18 years. But I don't have a single
memory of an occasion when he arrived at the fixed moment . At
first I used to cry but now I have been minimized
with life. Some asked me what I need more ? I had my own house, car ,everything
all instruments of social status, and I also have a prince-like
husband . Then what are my insufficiency ? Yes I have the
entire instrument for a lavish life. Those can fulfill the
demand of the so-called status . But what about the soul
? The souls remain empty without getting love and care from my
life partner. My son tries
his best to help me come out of this sort of emptiness. But is it
possible ?
 |
|
In
1982, June 14, my baby was born. The baby was small and flimsy at first, but he came on quickly. He was an
angel with dark
black ringlets and fleshy eyes which resembles his father
most . Since the days when my baby was just a year old, beginning to walk
and saying musical words, he was very fond of his father. My
husband was very affectionate, indulgent and full of ingenuity to amuse the child. When they two played
together, I used to wonder which was the truer baby. Those
were rare memory to me while thinking today's time.
My
baby arrived in the moment when my bitterness of
dissolution was hardest to bear. My faith upon life was shaken
and my soul felt tedious and trite. I made much of the child.
Sometimes I turned to be a child and sometimes turned to
be his father.
Sometimes
when I look at him, the burden of my heart melts into
passionate grief . Sometimes I cannot control myself .
Sometimes tears flows out of my eyes. My baby lifts my fingers.
He looks at me. His look is so deep and steady, as
if he realizes every sadness and anxieties of mine. His
clear- knowing eyes give me pain and fear. Does he know
all about my pain ? When he lay under my heart had he
been listening to every echo ?
At the age of five I sent
my boy to school. He was a quite and strong boy. He often asked me about
his farther. 'Everyone has their father, as their playmate.
Who will be my playmate ?' What could I tell him? Who is to
explain to him that his father is
very busy for all the times and he doesn't have any time for
his son or
me.
My
son is quite a good student . He never irritates me for anything.
He goes to school with his grandfather. My father in law is the
best friend of my son. They
fight
and play cricket together. My father tries his best to fulfill
the absence of his father. But was it enough to
compensate lack of father's love and affection ?
My
son and me have the world where there is only love and affection. From this world, I have my inspiration of life. I have
lost everything . My world is totally empty now. The
only world I have is my child . This only track is
left for me. I have to live only for his sake.
My
marriage was not a settle one. Both of us fell in love then got married. But I don't know what is the reason of our
distance? Whom should I blame? My fate or my husbands big ambition.
I don't want much from the world. I just want a peaceful and easy life
with my husband and child. The bond of life is dead now. Only
the bindings of duty remains. I had sacrificed myself for my
motherhood everyday gladly.
Sometime my soul mourns
at its high voice. It creates echoes and falls down from my
eyes in the shape of tears . It could be an ocean . But my son acts
as the block that stops every echo of mourns. As a mother I am not
only proud but also thankful to God for giving me a son like him.
